What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 02:23
So whats the point in blame.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I’m 17 and looking for a girl. What do I do?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We all went to grammer schools
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
One cannot live in the past .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Who then, do I blame.?
But ive been too sick for many years..
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But, we were locked up after school.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I think the readers, may guess!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Can you show pictures of your penis, big or small?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
How would you describe modern day Russian society, beyond just politics?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I write beautiful poetry .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Would this be the day?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I waited trembling.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I have no regrets .
He resisted the act ,that day.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
This is soul school!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She loved him until the end.
But it wasn’t much.
I was 9 years of age.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She wouldn,t have been !
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Comes on , in middle age.
I said to her
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
It was going to be , some day.
My life is so biszare .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And i lived it daily.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was seconnd youngest,
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She found it foreign!.
He knew the spot.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was scared of men, in general
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Ive learnt so much.
My family never makes their pension either.
As i do to all so called friends.?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Especially a lifetime of it.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She was in good health!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I don,t even have a pension.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
What did i know ?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I never cut or harmed myself..
We were not on the streets..
All the time i was locked up.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Put me off passion for life!!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
So, i spoilt her more .
When she asked me how she looked .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I will be 64.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
(And it was in our own minds.)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was very sick at this time too.
Im still living with it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She married twice! .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!